Some people are good at Fantasy Premier League: they listen to podcasts, read analysis, remember to trade people right away when they get suspended before they lose value, and understand how bonus points are awarded. Me, I set my team on Friday night—exhausted from work, often slightly drunk, after twenty minutes of wild research, and fueled by irrational notions. It is a largely futile exercise. The internet is full of different approaches to trying hard and being good at FPL. But what does it look like to try and still be bad at it?
Okay, this is the week: me and Agüero are through.
I’ve got two transfers to burn, and I’m done with him. I can’t take the stress. Am I going to regret this? Oh, most certainly. All I can think about is the gameweek last year when someone triple captained him on a hat trick and made a killing. But I’m just too annoyed. And one of the only benefits of being at the bottom of your fantasy league (and I am once again at the very bottom, despite my best-ish efforts) is that it can’t get much worse, so why not mix it up? He will be amazing again, and then he will be trash again. I can’t keep chasing waterfalls.
Transferring Tottenham’s midfielder Victor Wanyama, too. He hasn’t done anything wrong, I just don’t need to trade anyone else expensive. At first I look at trading a keeper—mine are both ineffective at best—but it leaves me with too much money left over, which seems like a waste. Who’s setting all these fake salaries, anyway? Do you think the actual players ever look at them and get annoyed? Do you think they get used by agents when negotiating new contracts?
Need another body. If I’ve learned one thing from lurking around my fantasy league, it’s that I should spend money on another fancy midfielder. Most of the people in our league who are very good have several expensive midfielders. I’m thinking maybe Mané? Or Alexis Sanchez? Both are good. As a Liverpool fan, I want Mané; as a person who is trying to avoid relegation, I know it should be Sanchez. Sanchez it is.
For a forward, I’ll look for a cheaper striker with potential. First, I go look at the FPL Dream Team from last week. Oh good! It only has one forward. Just midfielders, mostly. Well, isn’t that some shit? Yes, it would be a dream to have a team made almost entirely of midfielders. Thanks for nothing, Premier League.
I arrange the players by round score. Iheanacho looks good. It would probably be smart to keep a Man City player on the team while they’re doing well. He doesn’t always play, but when he does, he does well. So I just have to arrange my bench properly.
Okay, done. You’re welcome, everyone who still has Agüero. He will undoubtedly hat trick this week. You can have him.
Classic League: 19 (of 19)
Head-to-Head League: 14 (of 20)