Some people are good at Fantasy Premier League: they listen to podcasts, read analysis, remember to trade people right away when they get suspended before they lose value, and understand how bonus points are awarded. Me, I set my team on Friday night—exhausted from work, often slightly drunk, informed by twenty minutes of wild research, fueled by irrational notions. It is a largely futile exercise. The internet offers many approaches to trying to be good at FPL. But what does it look like to try and still be bad at it?
This week is a treat: I get to set my team in the morning. (Before coffee!) Okay. The first thing to do is look at the fixture list, usually. Chelsea-Liverpool is easy to understand, just through osmosis. Leicester-Burnley? Oh. I seem to remember that Leicester is having a so-so year? And Burnley is—surprising people? I think? Have to check. Spurs-Sunderland. V annoyed with Harry Kane, who has been sitting on my front line doing nothing but growing a silly beard so far this season. May transfer him. Should have started with transfers.
Transfers. Math. I usually save my transfers until I have two, because it’s easier to make the budget work. My midfield is sad right now, though. Bless Capoue. Can’t trade Coutinho because I feel out of sorts without a Liverpool player on my squad. Still waiting out King, who I just got last week, and I think Bournemouth might be mid-table? (Pause to look at the table for the fifteenth time this morning.) Hazard and I go way back, like an ex I can’t shake. He’s the FPL equivalent of changing grocery lines and always being in the slowest one. We’re always missing each other. I keep giving him another chance.
I accidentally wildcarded my way into two West Brom defenders last week, which I did not realize until the manager of our fantasy league made fun of it in an email. Can you really have too many West Brom defenders, though? They are—hold on—12 on the table right now. Oh. I’ll leave that alone and hope for a clean sheet? I suppose I could trade Shaw, but it’s not his fault they played City, and this week they play Bournemouth. Who are—wait—yes, not very good right now.
What if I bring Sagna off the bench for Shaw, and Wanyama off the bench for King? That seems reasonable. I also have Holgate on the bench as he didn’t play this week. Let’s Google to see if he might play this week. Hm. Probably not. Benched. Put Shaw back in, they might hold Watford? Hedge bets with West Brom and sit Dawson, as McAuley has more points overall. Keep captaining Ibra, that’s working out.
Yeah, alright. No transfers this week. Glance at my head-to-head opponent: he’s currently top of the table, so I won’t even try. Should I bench boost? I still don’t know what that means.
Here goes nothing!
Classic League: 19 (of 19)
Head-to-Head League: 19 (of 20)