Gameweek 9: Disappointments

Some people are good at Fantasy Premier League: they listen to podcasts, read analysis, remember to trade people right away when they get suspended before they lose value, and understand how bonus points are awarded. Me, I set my team on Friday night—exhausted from work, often slightly drunk, after twenty minutes of wild research, and fueled by irrational notions. It is a largely futile exercise. The internet is full of different approaches to trying hard and being good at FPL. But what does it look like to try and still be bad at it?

I’m not mad; I’m disappointed. No, wait! I’m mad. Gave up on my team before the weekend was even over, so setting it tonight is the first time I’ve really looked at just how terrible they were. Negative two points from Captain Agüero, negative one from Christian Benteke. Lost my head-to-head in a spectacular flameout. And even though everyone in my league is saying it “was just a bad week for fantasy,” I’m the only one who couldn’t get over 30 points.

I’m in the back of a cab heading home from JFK, regretting the airport nachos I ate for dinner. I am too scarred to even think about a transfer. Also, I hate everyone on my team so much that I couldn’t possibly single out just one of them to shitcan. And I used my wildcard weeks ago.

I look up Agüero to see what the hell is going on. I learn nothing. Except that his former father-in-law is Diego Maradona.

My boss knows that I watch Premiere League, and he leaves articles on my desk about it. Here’s a recent one about the newly appointed Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola:


You’d think this would be helpful, but it’s not. Agüero is not mentioned.

The rational choice would probably be to transfer Watford’s midfielder Etienne Capoue, whose 15 minutes were up half an hour ago, but at least I can rely on him for a solid two points.

Okay, I’m stuck with these jerks. I’ll captain Lukaku, since he’s my only forward who got actual points last week, notching an assist for Everton. A lot of people in my league captain a midfielder, but I don’t think I have any who are good enough to captain. I suppose I could trade Agüero to get one next week when I have two transfers? Gives me a reason to pay attention to games this week beyond sheer spite.

Who do I put in goal? Does it really matter? Sure, Foster. Why not. It’s so easy to be rude to a little phone screen filled with tiny shirts. The cab lurches up McGuinness Boulevard and I set my team without another thought. Only thirty joyful weeks to go.

Current rankings:
Classic League: 18 (of 19)
Head-to-Head League: 17 (of 20)
Liverpool: 382002
USA: 129599

Final squad:


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Stephanie walked down the aisle to "You'll Never Walk Alone." She is good at some things. But not fantasy sports.