Some people are good at Fantasy Premier League: they listen to podcasts, read analysis, remember to trade people right away when they get suspended before they lose value, and understand how bonus points are awarded. Me, I set my team on Friday night—exhausted from work, often slightly drunk, after twenty minutes of wild research, and fueled by irrational notions. It is a largely futile exercise. The internet is full of different approaches to trying hard and being good at FPL. But what does it look like to try and still be bad at it?
Ha! Hahahahaha! The only thing better than being right about fantasy sports is being right when everyone else in your league is wrong. Oh, Agüero! I knew you’d mess up eventually.
Okay, mustn’t gloat. It’s not ladylike.
Seriously, though, I’ve leapt five spots in my classic league, after spending the first month at the bottom of the table. This is heady stuff. I’ve gone mad.
I’ve got a transfer burning a hole in my pocket and I am a genius. What shall I do? Now is the time to take a chance! Perhaps I can finally get a fancy defender.
Of course, it’s hard to know who the fancy defenders are. I also don’t totally know what I mean by fancy. My habit is to look at the Dream Team from the week before and see if anyone seems to be on a hot streak. At a first glance, I pick a young man named Marc Muniesa, a Stoke defender. I like the look of him; he barely played this season until the last two games, and last week got 14 points while scoring his first Premier League goal. I think we have a lot in common. No need to research further.
Who will I trade for him? I’ve already forgotten! I meant to trade one of my West Brom defenders so that I didn’t keep being stuck with half the backline of the mid-table. Oops.
This will end poorly, but I don’t care. I take back everything I said about FPL last week. It’s the greatest. My methods are finally paying off. I love guessing at sports!
Wait, what do you mean I have to do it again on Tuesday?
Classic League: 13 (of 19)
Head-to-Head League: 13 (of 20)